Ready,Set,Cut!
by piamina
Summary: Well lets just say filming twilight wasnt really as easy as it looked.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the movie.

**Okay, I adore Twilight books….the movie sucked. LET'S EVALUATE!**

**NOT IN ORDER!**

**TAKE 15**

Bella: Hey...did you get contacts?

Edward: no...

Bella: Your eyes were black yesterday, now they're like…golden-brown—

Edward: GAH! It's called TOPAZ! NO ONE GETS IT FUCKING RIGHT!

**TAKE 64**

James: You brought a snack...

Edward: Don't you dare touch my damn Pop-Tarts you SON OF A BITCH!

**TAKE 21**

Edward: I can read every mind in this room...apart from yours.

Bella: What, is there something wrong with me?

Edward: ...yes. You're eating fucking mushroom ravioli with a fucking vampire. There's something wrong with that picture.

**TAKE 44**

*Bella and Edward driving*

Bella: ok...I think I'm warm enough now.

*hands touch, Bella gasps*

Edward: oh shit...my dad's gonna kill me.

Bella: *looks ahead* Woa. What is going on?

Edward: That's my dad's car on the end...shit. He's here to kill me.

**TAKE 17**

Bella: You're impossibly fast….and strong.

Edward: that's because I work out every day.

Bella: Your skin is pale white and ice cold.

Edward: yea, I use this make-up I found at Hot Topic...

Bella: Your eyes change color.

Edward: yea, it's these sweet colorful contacts I got...

Bella: and sometimes you speak...like you're from a different time.

Edward: what, because I don't say words like "Yo" and "Foshizzle"?

Bella: You never eat or drink anything...

Edward: Yea...how else am I going to fit into my skinny jeans?

Bella: You don't go out in the sunlight...

Edward: yea...it burns.

Bella: How old are you?

Edward: ...19.

Bella: How long have you BEEN 17?

Edward: ...I said 19...

Bella: I know what you are.

Edward: Say it.

Bella: no.

Edward: Outloud.

Bella: no.

Edward: SAY IT!

Bella: ...no.

EDWARD: I SAID FUCKING SAY IT!

**TAKE 98**

*dragging Bella through the forest*

Bella: Where are we going?

Edward: To my lair.

**TAKE 72**

Jacob: Hi...I'm Jacob.

Bella: hi.

Jacob: Yea...we used to make mud pies when we were little.

Bella: Yea...I used throw them in your face.

**TAKE 108**

Bella: ...are they always like this?

Jacob: ...it's getting worse with old age. Soon they'll be hitting each other with their canes.

**TAKE 24**

*gets car*

Bella: This is PERFECT! *opens car door and hits Jacob*

Jacob: WHA THE FUCK! I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU LIKED IT! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HITTING ME!

**MORE TO COME! REVIEW!**


	2. Take 2!

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the movie.

Chapter 2: Take 2

**TAKE 13**

*Bella parks truck at high school*

Tyler: Nice ride.

Bella: Thanks...I got it at the dollar store.

**TAKE 86**

Eric: Hey, you're Isabella Swan, the new girl. Hey, I'm Eric…the eyes and ears of this place. Anything you need...? Tour guide...lunch date...shoulder to cry on...

Bella: ...For you to leave me the hell alone...

**TAKE 79**

*Mike gets hit with volleyball*

Mike: WOA!

Bella: I'm sorry...I told them NOT to let me play...last time when I hit this guy in the head and he stopped breathing...it was kind of strange...

**TAKE 125**

Jessica: Oh my God...it's like first grade all over again...you're the shiny new toy...I'm just gonna...you know, sit here...next to you...so people can like me...

Bella: could you please, you know, not sit so close? I don't want gonorrhea.

**TAKE 33**

Bella: who's he?

*Edward walks in*

Jessica: that's Edw—

*Edward trips and falls*

**TAKE 99**

*Bella walks into room*

Mr. Banner: Oh, Ms. Sw—

*Bella trips and falls on fan*

**TAKE 45**

*Bella, Alice, and Jasper in hotel room, phone rings*

Bella: Hey Edward.

Edward: *deep breathing*...7 days...

**TAKE 38**

Waylon: hey, you're Bella. You remember me? I played Santa, one year...

Charlie: Waylon, she hasn't had a Christmas year since she was 4...

Waylon: I bet I made an impression though…

Bella: Yea, I remember...that was that one time I ran out of the mall screaming.

**TAKE 65**

*Tyler's car coming at Bella*

Director: Okay Bella, hurry and get out of the way so we can use the special effects!

Bella: *tries to move but can't* OH MY GOD SOMEONE GLUED MY FEET TO THE GROUND!

Edward: *snickers*

Director: STOP THE CAR!

Bella: *car still coming at her* THESE WERE MY FAVORITE SHOES!

BOOM!

Edward: ...does this mean I can go home?

**TAKE 12**

*in parking lot*

Tyler: hey! Look! It's Bella!

Mike: *snickers* maybe if we throw licorice at her she'll talk to us!

*Tyler takes piece of licorice and throws it…it lands a foot away from him on the ground*

Mike: nice.

**TAKE 77**

Eric: ...I know prom committee is a chick thing...but they couldn't find any other loser to do it, so...

**TAKE 22**

Mr. Banner: So, onion root tip cells, that's what's in your microscopes...separate them into the phases of mitosis, and the first pair to get it right, wins the golden onion...

Bella: ...because they ran out of golden garlic.

**TAKE 99**

Bella: you were gone...

Edward: Yea, I was out of town for a couple of days...personal reasons...so I wouldn't eat you.

Bella: oh...cool.

**TAKE 2**

Edward: if you hate the cold and the rain so much, then why'd you move to the wettest place in the Continental US?

Bella: because I heard the sparkly vampires live here...

**TAKE 25**

*Edward stops Van, and looks into Bella's eyes*

Edward: You see that dent? Shit. My dad's going to kill me.

*Edward jumps over Bella's truck, but he trips and falls*

**TAKE 5**

*Car is stopped from crashing into Bella, everyone swarms around her*

Mike: BELLA! ARE YOU OKAY?

Bella: yes.

Jessica: BELLA! BELLA! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

Bella: yes.

Random Girl: BELLA! BELLA! ARE YOU ALIVE?

Bella: yes...

Angela: BELLA! BELLA! I HAVE 911 ON THE PHONE! ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY?

Bella: yes!

Random Guy: Are you sure?

Bella: YES!

Mike: ARE YOU DEAD?

Bella: NO!

Mike: I think she's dead...

Bella: NO! REALLY! I'M OKAY!

Mike: Oh, GOD! SHE'S DEAD!

Bella: NO, I'M OKAY! IT WAS JUST A HEAD INJURY! REALLY

Mike: SHE WAS SO YOUNG!

**TAKE 59**

*After accident, the Cullens glaring at Bella*

Jasper: I'm gonna kill him.

**TAKE 100**

Carlisle: Well, Bella, it looks like you took quite a spill...how do you feel?

Bella: I don't know…I mean, I THINK I saw your son use super speed to run over to me, and then he pushed the van out of the way with his hand…

Carlisle: YUP...SHE HAS A CONCUSSION...so, you know, if she thinks she sees things for a while...blame it on that. Yea.

**TAKE 16**

James: *holding video camera* And...action.

Bella: It's not working...

James: What do you mean? Of course it is!

Bella: The red light isn't on!

James: *looks at camera* Huh.

**TAKE 17**

*James holding video camera where Bella is bleeding*

James: I'm so posting this on Youtube.

**TAKE 82**

*In green house*

Edward: Hey...PSSST! Hey, Mike! Over here!

Mike: yea?

Edward: You want a cup of compost tea?

Mike: HELL YEA! *grabs cup*

Mr. Banner: DON'T DRINK THAT!

Edward: *snickers*

**TAKE 19**

*outside green house*

Alice: Hi! Are you going to be riding with us?

Edward: No our bus is full...

Bella: fine. I don't want to sit on ghetto bus anyways….that shade of yellow is overrated. THIS shade*points* is SO much better...

(By the way, EVERYTIME I watch this scene, I always look at Jasper's expression in the background. I think he's measuring Bella's emotions...)

**TAKE 2**

*in cafeteria*

Eric: and I don't just SURF the internet...

Jessica: Eric, you stood up once...and it was a foam board.

Eric: yea, but it was a PRETTY foam board...

Mike: Are you comin', Bella?

Eric: It's La Push, baby...La Push. La Push.

Bella: ...I should La Push you off a cliff...

**TAKE 3**

Edward: You have to see me in direct sunlight! *grabs Bella onto back and runs into sunny area*

Bella: You look sparkly!

Edward: I...look...sparkly...That's all you can say? I'm a monster, Bella!

Bella: Wait a second...YOU STOLE MY GLITTERY POWDER DIDN'T YOU!

**TAKE 6**

*In cafeteria*

Edward: Which beach?

Bella: La Push.

Edward: Ehh...I don't know...

Bella: Is there something wrong with that beach?

Edward: It's just a little crowded.

*At the completely deserted beach*

Bella: WHAT THE HELL! EDWARD TOLD ME IT WAS CROWDED! ...something's suspicious...

**TAKE 8**

Jessica: You guys should keep Bella company...her date bailed...

Mike: DATE?

Eric: WHAT DATE!

Jacob: DATE!

Mike: OH MY GOD! WHO IS IT? I'LL KILL HIM! WAS IT TYLER?...God, I knew that guy was no good...

Eric: OH MY GOD! I KNOW WHO IT WAS...ANTHONY! What a loser!

Mike: No...it has to have been Joe.

Eric: Wait, what about Daniel?

Mike: No...Oh, IT WAS...TYLER!

Eric: I thought we already cleared it wasn't Tyler...?

Mike: you never know!

*Meanwhile*

Bella: Edward Cullen.

*Back to Mike and Eric*

Mike: NO! I KNOW WHO IT WAS!

*Tyler walks up*

Eric: WHO?

Mike: IT WAS...TYLER!

Tyler: *walks away*

(ok...that turned into pointless rambling...)

**TAKE 55**

*At Cullen House*

Edward: She already ate.

*Rosalie shatters bowl*

Bella: *whispers to Edward* Was she PMSing when she was changed?

**REVIEW! More to come!**


	3. Take 3!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Movie.**

Chapter 3: Take 3

**TAKE 1**

*At the Docks*

Laurent: James...let's not play with our food.

James: ...I thought that only applied to broccoli...

**TAKE 2**

*trying on dresses in Port Angeles*

Jessica: Okay, Bella...what do you think about this one?

Bella: Ummm...

Jessica: be HONEST...

Bella: ...well...

Jessica: I KNOWW! It looks great doesn't it?

Bella: ...uhh...

Jessica: You're right, it does make my boobs look good!

Bella: ...err...

Jessica: THANKS BELLA! YOUR'E THE BEST!

**TAKE 3**

Edward: *apple rolls up his foot and he cups it and smiles* Bella.

Bella: ...freak, you name your apples? *walks away*

**TAKE 4**

Edward: and so the lion fell in love with the lamb

Bella: are you calling yourself a lamb?

Edward: No! I'm the lion and YOU'RE the lamb!

Bella: but I want to be the lion...rawr...

Edward: WILL YOU SHUT UP BITCH AND LET ME BE ROMANTIC?

**TAKE 5**

*In cafeteria*

Edward: This food is disgusting!

*Edward throws chicken behind his back*

Mike: OW! SON OF A BITCH THREW CHICKEN AT ME!

**TAKE 6**

Edward: I should go back there and rip those guy's heads off.

Bella: Uh, no, you shouldn't.

Edward: You don't know the vile...repulsive things they were thinking.

Bella: ...and you do?

Edward: ...yea. I happen to be a mind reading vampire. Duh.

Bella: ...stupid mind-reading jackass...

**TAKE 7**

*In forest*

*bird flies and hits Bella in the head, she passes out*

Edward: I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I'M A DANGER TO HER!...I'M RUNNING AWAY!

*Edward runs away North America*

**TAKE 8**

*Bella walks into Biology on first day*

Mr. Banner: Oh, Ms. Swan...

*Edward starts coughing*

Mr. Banner: Why don't you take that seat over there, by Mr. Cullen?

Edward: CAN'T...BREATH!

*Edward falls to the ground choking*

**TAKE 9**

-In Edward's bedroom-

*Bella turns on stereo*

"HE LOST HIS SOUL TO A WOMEN SO HEARTLESS...HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS! OH...HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS!"

Edward: ALICE!

**TAKE 10**

-Playing Baseball-

*Baseball flies through the air, Emmett jumps up tree*

Rosalie: My monk—

*Emmett falls out of tree*

Emmett: FUCK! WHO PUT THAT BRANCH THERE!

**REVIEW! Which one was your favorite of this chapter?**

**MORE TO COME**


	4. Take 4!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Movie.**

Chapter 4: Take 4 ...and...ACTION!

**TAKE 1**

Edward: I think I should get Bella something to eat...if you'd like.

Bella: O.O

Edward: I'll drive you home myself...or I think I'll make you hitch-hike.

**TAKE 2**

*drunk guys gaining on Bella*

Bella: Don't touch me.

Guy: I'll touch you if I want! *pokes her*

Bella: Let me just warn you, I'm a drag queen.

Guys: *eyes widen*

Bella: *lowers voice* My name is Steve.

*Guys run away*

**TAKE 3**

Edward: Then ask me the most basic question...what do we eat?

Bella: ...squirrels!

**TAKE 4**

Edward: I'm a killer, Bella.

Bella: I don't believe that...you sparkle. ALL GOOD THINGS SPARKLE! Like stickers!

**TAKE 5**

Bella: I can't believe you're taking me to prom.

Edward: You were the only one without a date.

**TAKE 6**

Edward: Everything about me invites you in...my face, my voice, even my smell.

Bella: Yea...how else are you going to work in the strip club?

**TAKE 7**

-At Prom-

Bella: Bite me, Edward...

Edward: No, I'm not going to end your life for you.

*Bella shoves her hand in Edward's mouth*

Bella: HA! YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT NO—OW! IT HURTS! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

**TAKE 8**

Edward: You're like my own personal brand of heroine.

Bella: ...hey, do they make that? Because, you know, I've been looking—

**TAKE 9**

Jessica: Manti Carlo? That's our prom theme?

Eric: Drinks, Tuxedos, gambling...and Cullen, Edward Cullen.

**TAKE 10**

-In Parking Lot-

Bella: Wow...you know, everybody's staring.

Edward: Not that guy...no he just looked.

*Guy trips and falls in front of Edward*

Guy: I'M NOT LOOKING! I CAN ASURE YOU I AM _NOT_ LOOKING!

**TAKE 11**

Edward: Oh...I'm braking all the rules anyways. Since I'm going to hell...

-Cullens glaring at Edward from car-

Jasper: I'm gonna kill him.

Alice: Love!

**TAKE 12**

Edward: It's like a vegetarian living on tofu...it keeps you strong, but never fully keeps you satisfied...It wouldn't be like drinking your blood for instance.

Bella: O.O

Edward: ...I mean...I didn't mean to say that! Wait, no! GAH! GO BACKWARDS!

**TAKE 13**

Jasper: It's a...pleasure to meet you Bella.

Bella: Thanks Jasper! You too—

Jasper: ! *eats Bella*

**TAKE 14**

Director: Let's give a round of applause to Jasper for spitting Bella up!

*everyone claps while Jasper rubs his throat*

ACTION!

Edward: I want to take you to meet my family.

Bella: I don't know...I never really liked the Adams Family...wait, do you have that pet dragon? HELL YEA!

**TAKE 15**

Edward: So you're afraid, not because you're going to meet a family of vampires, but that those vampires won't approve of you, correct?

Bella: Nope. I'm not scared at all. I just want to meet Emmett.

Edward: O.O

**TAKE 16**

-Edward suddenly freezes-

Bella: What is it?

Edward: it's a fucking werewolf!...GAHH! THESE THINGS KEEP STALKING ME!

**TAKE 17**

-Edward leaving Bella's house-

*Edward and Billy stare at each other in really really slow motion*

*Edward throws paper airplane in Billy's face*

Edward: HAHA! TAKE THAT OLD MAN!

*Edward speeds away*


	5. Take 5!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the movie.**

Chapter 5: Take 5...and...ACTION!

**TAKE 1**

-Cullen House-

Edward: Bella, this is my mother for all intensive purposes.

*Emmett waves butcher knife in background, knife slips from his hand and flies through the air, just missing Bella's head*

Bella: O.O

Edward: EMMETT! You weren't supposed to try and kill her until the SECOND date!

**TAKE 2**

*Rosalie breaks glass bowl*

Edward: OH SHIT...GODZILLA BROKE LOOSE...RUN BITCH RUN!

(btw...until I was just now watching this, I have never looked at Edward's face when Rosalie breaks the bowl. LOOK AT HIS FACE AND EYES IT'S HILARIOUS!)

**TAKE 3**

Alice: Bella and I are going to be great friends!

Bella: Oh, right...you can see the future...

Alice: ...7 days...

Edward: ALICE!

**TAKE 8**

Director: OKAY! Let's try this again! Do you think you can handle it, Jasper?

Jasper: ...Yes...

Director: ACTION!

Jasper: It's a...pleasure to meet you.

Carlisle: Sorry...Jasper's our newest vegetarian. It's a bit difficult for him.

Alice: It's okay, Jasper...you won't hurt he—

Jasper: *throws Alice out of the way* ! *eats Bella...AGAIN*

**TAKE 9**

Director: OKAY! Let's give Jasper ANOTHER round of applause for spitting up Bella...again.

*A couple people clap, Bella cowering in corner*

Director: Okay, so this next scene—

Jasper: !

*Jasper lunges at Bella, but Edward throws him into Piano*

Director: NO! Jasper! That's not until the NEXT movie!

**TAKE 10**

-In Edward's room-

Edward: Yea, this is my room...my mom made me clean it.

**TAKE 11**

Bella: No bed?

Edward: No, Bella...we do it on the floor.

**TAKE 12**

Bella: Wow, you have SO much music...what are you listening to...?

Edward: Its Debussy...I don't know...MY MOM PUT IT THERE!

**TAKE 13**

Bella: I can't dance.

Edward: I said DANCE BITCH DANCE!

**TAKE 14**

Director: Okay...let's try this again. ACTION!

Edward: Well...I could always make you...

Bella: I'm not scared of you.

Edward: Well, you shouldn't have said that...! *eats Bella*

Director: EDWARD! You weren't supposed to REALLY eat her!

Edward: oh.

**TAKE 15**

Director: OKAY! Now...a round of applause for EDWARD spitting Bella back up.

*Jacob is the only person clapping*

Director: ACTION!

Edward: well, you really shouldn't have said that...

*Throws Bella on his back and jumps out the window and magically flies to tree*

Edward: You better hold on tight, spid—

*Edward misses tree and falls to the ground*

**TAKE 16**

Bella: This isn't real. This kind of stuff just doesn't exi—AHHHHHHH!

*Bella falls out of tree*

Edward: ...can I go home now?

**TAKE 17**

-Bad guys in forest-

*Victoria running*

Victory: SHIT! I STEPPED IN DOG CRAP!

**TAKE 18**

-At Diner-

*Bella walks in*

Bella: Sorry I'm la—OMG! IS THAT STEPHENIE MEYER!

**TAKE 19**

-At Diner-

*Mike dancing in background*

Charlie: Looks like your friends are flag—

*Mikes crashes through window*

**TAKE 20**

Bella: How did you get in here?

Edward: the window.

Bella: do you do that a lot?

Edward: I like watching you sleep...it's kind of fascinating to me...

Bella: FREAKING STALKER!

**TAKE 21**

-At her house-

Bella: He's...right outside.

Charlie: Alright...*snaps gun shut*...bring him in.

Bella: Can you be nice? I'm not supposed to almost get eaten until the SECOND movie...let's not make it sooner.

**TAKE 22**

Bella: Since when do vampires play baseball?

Edward: ...since we needed a way for you to get almost eaten.

**TAKE 23**

-Baseball Game about to start-

*Emmett is warming up by punching the air*

Emmett: WOO—

*Emmett accidentally hits himself in the face*

**TAKE 24**

*Cue lightning and thunder*

Alice: It's tim—

*Alice gets struck by lightning*

**TAKE 25**

*Rosalie hits baseball, sending it flying through the trees*

*Edward takes off after baseball*

Edward: I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GO—

*Edward runs into a tree*

**TAKE 26**

*Edward throws ball to Esme, Esme catches and holds it at the base as Rosalie runs to the base*

Bella: You're out.

*Rosalie gets up in slow motion glaring at Bella*

Rosalie: ...7 days...

**TAKE 27**

*Alice has vision*

Alice: STOP!

*Cullens form a line*

Alice: They're coming!

*Laurent, James, and Victoria walking into clearing in slow motion*

Victoria: haha—

*Victoria trips and falls on James slow motion*

James: WHAT THE HELL, BITCH! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CRAMP MY STYLE!

**TAKE 28**

*Laurent holding baseball*

Laurent: I believe this belongs to you.

Carlisle: Nope. That isn't ours.

Laurent: ...yes, it is.

Carlisle: No it's not. You have no proof.

Laurent: This is your baseball!

Carlisle: We don't want it!

Laurent: TAKE IT! *tries to put it in Carlisle's hand*

Carlisle: WE DON'T WANT IT NOW THAT YOU TOUCHED IT!

Laurent: *grabs Carlisle's hand* TAKE IT!

Carlisle: HE'S TOUCHING ME! HE'S _TOUCHING_ MEEE!

**TAKE 29**

Laurent: I am Laurent. And this is Victoria...

Victoria: *nods her head* YO!

Laurent: ...and James.

James: *turns his head sideways like a crazy person* wussup.

**TAKE 30**

Laurent: Well, we won't be a problem anymore.

Victoria: The humans were tracking us...but we led them east...suckers.

**TAKE 31**

Victoria: I'm the one with the wicked—

*Ball hits her in the face*

Victoria: OW! SON OF A BITCH!

**TAKE 32**

Director: Okay! Let's try THIS scene again! Remember, Edward, so THIS time Bella doesn't get eaten...it's BELLA you want to protect, not the Pop-Tarts...ACTION!

James: You brought a snack...

Edward: hiss!

Esme: hiss!

Carlisle: hiss!

Rosalie: hiss!

Jasper: hiss!

Alice: hiss!

Emmett: MEOW!

**TAKE 33**

-In Garage-

*Jasper glaring at Edward*

Jasper: I'm gonna kill him.

**TAKE 34**

-In Garage-

*Edward leaning on the car*

Edward: Bella, you are my life now.

*Cars start*

*Edward tries to pull away, but his shirt is caught*

Edward: uhhh...

*Alice starts driving car*

Edward: Alice! Wait!

*Car drives out of garage dragging Edward along*

Edward: ALICE! STOP THE CAR! ALICE!

Alice: MWUAHAHAHAHA! PAYBACK FOR NOT LETTING ME TALK TO BELLA SOONER! PAYBACK!

**TAKE 35**

-On phone with Bella-

Edward: I'll do whatever it takes to make you safe again.

*Emmett in backseat*

Emmett: ...whipped.

**TAKE 36**

-Bella suffering from James' bite-

Edward: I'll make it go away, Bella. ! *eats Bella*

Director: EDWARD! THAT WAS NOT MAKING IT GO AWAY!

**TAKE 37**

-Bella and Edward enter prom-

Bella: Wow...you are REALLY trying to kill me...

Edward: yea, I've tried about 15 times already, but the director got mad, so, I figure dancing is the next best way.

**TAKE 38**

*Victoria watching Edward and Bella from building, then exits room and walks to the stairs*

Victoria: grrr—

*Victoria trips and falls down stairs*

Victoria: SHIT! NOW I KNOW WHAT JAMES WAS TALKING ABOUT!

Director: THAT'S A WRAP! Ok, so now—NO JASPER! THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN EAT BELLA!


	6. Take 6!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

Chapter 6: Take 6

PART 2: NEW MOON!...the book!...and the trailer!

Ok, so this isn't making fun of it. It's having fun WITH it!...ok that sounded like a Sponge Bob moment...

OUT OF ORDER!

**TAKE 1**

-In Parking Lot at School-

Alice: Happy birthday, Bella! Do you want to open your present now, or later?

*Bella takes present and throws it in some random direction*

Bella: No presents.

*Alice runs and gets present*

Alice: Oh, you dropped it! Here you go!

*Bella takes present and throws it in another random direction*

Bella: What present?

*Alice runs and gets present*

Alice: this one! Here you go!

*Bella takes present and throws it in some random direction again*

Bella: No presents.

*Alice runs and gets present again*

Alice: HERE YOU GO!

*Alice shoves present in Bella's hands*

Bella: I DON'T WANT ANY DAMN PRESENTS!

Alice: you...don't...want...presents?

Bella: No.

Alice: ...7 days...

Edward: ALICE!

**TAKE 2**

-At Bella's Birthday Party-

*Bella cuts her finger*

Bella: shoot...papercut.

Jasper: !

Edward: oh, look! CAKE!

*Jasper eats Bella*

**TAKE 3**

Director: Okay...another round of applause for Jasper spitting Bella back up...again.

*crickets chirp...Bella cowering behind Alice*

Director: Let's try this again...remember Edward, keep Jasper from eating Bella! And...ACTION!

Bella: shoot...papercut.

Jasper: !*jumps at Bella*

Edward: *shoves Jasper out of the way* I CALLED HER FIRST! *eats Bella*

Director: EDWARD! THE POINT WAS TO KEEP BELLA ALIVE!

Edward: oh.

**TAKE 4**

-In Volterra, going down into hole-

Edward: It's alright, Bella. Alice will catch you.

*Bella falls, but Alice moves right before she catches Bella...Bella crashes into cement*

Bella: OW! WHAT THE HELL!

Alice: PAYBACK FOR NOT LETTING ME DRESS YOU UP! PAAAAYBACCCKKKK!

**TAKE 5**

-In Volterra Castle-

Aro: Marcus, Caius, look! Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?

Caius: Damn...so we don't get to kill Edward?

**TAKE 6**

Aro: Jane, dear one, try your talent on Bella.

*Jane grins evilly*

Bella: OWWW! AHHHHH! THE PAAAAIIIN! MAKE IT STOP—

Jane: I haven't done anything yet.

Bella: oh.

**TAKE 7**

-At Bella's house, Jacob hanging from tree outside window at night-

Bella: No, Jake!

*Jacob swings off branch and towards the window*

Jacob: WOO—

*Jacob misses window and crashes into side of the house*

**TAKE 8**

Jacob: We're a pretty messed-up pair, aren't we? Neither of us can hold our shape together right.

Bella: *looks Jacob up and down* Nothing's wrong with me, but YOU'RE getting bigger...

**TAKE 9**

-Bella talking to Jacob for first time since Jacob changed-

Bella: Quil's worried about you. He's frightened that he's next.

Jacob: He can't be. It's over now. This shouldn't still be happening. Why? Why?

*Jacob punches tree with his fist. Tree brakes and hits Bella in the head, causing her to pass out*

Jacob: oops. Um...uh...

*Jacob backs away slowly*

Jacob: I DIDN'T DO IT!

**TAKE 10**

-Bella approaching some weird guy-

Voice: leave.

Bella: is that you, Edward?

Voice: NO THIS IS THE OWNER OF K-MART! WE'RE CLOSING IN 5 MINUTES!

**TAKE 11**

Alec: *looking at Bella* So this is the source of all the comotion?

Felix: Dibs.

*Jasper appears out of thin air*

Jasper: I CALLED HER FIRST! *Jasper eats Demetri*


	7. Take 7!

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or the Movie.**

Chapter 3: Take 3

**TAKE 1**

*At the Docks*

Laurent: James...let's not play with our food.

James: ...I thought that only applied to broccoli...

**TAKE 2**

*trying on dresses in Port Angeles*

Jessica: Okay, Bella...what do you think about this one?

Bella: Ummm...

Jessica: be HONEST...

Bella: ...well...

Jessica: I KNOWW! It looks great doesn't it?

Bella: ...uhh...

Jessica: You're right, it does make my boobs look good!

Bella: ...err...

Jessica: THANKS BELLA! YOUR'E THE BEST!

**TAKE 3**

Edward: *apple rolls up his foot and he cups it and smiles* Bella.

Bella: ...freak, you name your apples? *walks away*

**TAKE 4**

Edward: and so the lion fell in love with the lamb

Bella: are you calling yourself a lamb?

Edward: No! I'm the lion and YOU'RE the lamb!

Bella: but I want to be the lion...rawr...

Edward: WILL YOU SHUT UP BITCH AND LET ME BE ROMANTIC?

**TAKE 5**

*In cafeteria*

Edward: This food is disgusting!

*Edward throws chicken behind his back*

Mike: OW! SON OF A BITCH THREW CHICKEN AT ME!

**TAKE 6**

Edward: I should go back there and rip those guy's heads off.

Bella: Uh, no, you shouldn't.

Edward: You don't know the vile...repulsive things they were thinking.

Bella: ...and you do?

Edward: ...yea. I happen to be a mind reading vampire. Duh.

Bella: ...stupid mind-reading jackass...

**TAKE 7**

*In forest*

*bird flies and hits Bella in the head, she passes out*

Edward: I'M A TERRIBLE PERSON! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I'M A DANGER TO HER!...I'M RUNNING AWAY!

*Edward runs away North America*

**TAKE 8**

*Bella walks into Biology on first day*

Mr. Banner: Oh, Ms. Swan...

*Edward starts coughing*

Mr. Banner: Why don't you take that seat over there, by Mr. Cullen?

Edward: CAN'T...BREATH!

*Edward falls to the ground choking*

**TAKE 9**

-In Edward's bedroom-

*Bella turns on stereo*

"HE LOST HIS SOUL TO A WOMEN SO HEARTLESS...HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS! OH...HOW COULD YOU BE SO HEARTLESS!"

Edward: ALICE!

**TAKE 10**

-Playing Baseball-

*Baseball flies through the air, Emmett jumps up tree*

Rosalie: My monk—

*Emmett falls out of tree*

Emmett: FUCK! WHO PUT THAT BRANCH THERE!

**REVIEW! Which one was your favorite of this chapter?**

**MORE TO COME**


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